After we arrive in Bedwyn, I tell the Man that my right boot is still making funny sounds.
“Funny sounds?” he says.
“Yeah. Like a horse clopping down the road.”
I shake my right foot. I can feel something jiggling. I’ve had this feeling off-and-on since we came back from New York. He follows the movement of my leg.
“It’s because your HEEL IS ABOUT TO FALL OFF,” he tells me.
I look down. The heel of my boot is dangling from several rusty nails. Several questions pop into my head all at once. How have I not noticed this before? Why did I somehow think that the jiggling was coming from the toe of my boot? And, more pressing still: how am I going to cope with a broken boot in a village so small that the first cab driver we call says, “oh no, sorry, I’m just having myself a cup of tea, I can’t pick you up”?

In Avebury, where we end up after a pint and a perusal of the Guardian whilst waiting for the third cab driver we call to arrive, we meet up with friends and I am able to borrow the wellies of an 11-year-old boy whose feet are definitely at least a size bigger than mine. The Man gestures wildly as we stand on a windy ridge overlooking a circle of giant stones (only in England); he punches a hole in his Barbour.
“We’re a mess,” I say. I like our mess, but still.

It’s overcast and the children want to climb the stones, roll down the hills. A humourless pair of English hippies in moon-patterned trousers and tie-dye jumpers tries to stop them: in future re-tellings of this story (and there will be many), they say, Don’t climb the rocks. This is our temple; this is our Church. But in all truth they do not say this, just look disapprovingly, just bark . They remind me of the puckered old woman in the Great Tew church telling us: What do they think this is, a nursery? In my day children would never be allowed to play in a place like this. The hippies with their sour countenance, their wild hair and ugly demeanor, move on. Ned the puppy pulls me along the side of a hill. We have no time for hippy temples, for rules or regulations. Only time to stand windblown on a ridge, to watch children rolling so fast and so far it makes us fret (but briefly).

In Mildenhall which is pronounced Minal we sleep above the pub. There is no store in the village and no school; the people are rooted to the place only through a town hall and an eating-and-drinking establishment. We mention we might want a taxi to the train station after dinner.
“A taxi?” says the woman.
“Oooh I dunno about that,” says the man. We feel like the city-slickers, even in our torn Barbours, our too-big wellies.

So we stay; in a room which is the essence of the English bed-and-breakfast. Shabby floral curtains, pulled back to reveal the pub sign, the cobbled pavement, the thatched cottages across the narrow street. Upholstered chairs, worn and soft. An ugly purple duvet, a flowery third pillow.

“Why are there three pillows?” I want to know. The Man holds up the third pillow.
“Just look at it,” he says. Then he hits his head on the mantelpiece-above-the-bed.
“Why is there a mantelpiece above the bed?” I also want to know, but the simple answer is that there is no why; the why is in its existing at all. And in the morning, we have a greasy and delicious full English breakfast while the owners’ three black poodles wander around the front room like a trio of furry balloon animals.

Passing through Marlborough; the widest High Street in Britain, though you wouldn’t think it now. Just a parking lot now–a thick row of vehicles clogging up the centre. But look at a picture of it a hundred years ago and it is impressive. Like a sea between the two sides of the road.

Now past the place where the Thames starts.
“Look, you know the Thames, the Thames in London, this is where it begins,” says the boys’ mother, one hand on the wheel, pointing over the bridge.
“We know the Thames is in London,” says one of the boys, pouting, pressing his face against the side of the car. “You don’t have to keep saying, ‘the Thames in London.’”
“But look,” we say, “this is where it starts, isn’t that incredible?” And then the Man adds, “and it goes through Oxford, too. It splits into two, but it’s still the Thames.”

(And then we can’t remember, for a bit, which is the Isis and which is the Cherwell.)

Burford suddenly feels like home, because it’s the Cotswolds–Cotswold stone, Cotswold colour. I am lost in the map of England, it’s swallowed me completely, and every foray from the city where we live feels like magic and mystery (and so does every re-entry).

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I like to watch the steeples puncturing the sunset as I cycle home, showering the city with blood-orange colours, setting the tops of buildings alight. Such precise buildings: the filigree, the sculpted domes, the golden windows. The roads seem wider at this hour, and unpaved. I go towards home, towards the pub with the rusty bicycle outside, towards the café where magic (they say) happens. Towards the bare-wood-planked edifice of our love.

Earlier I ran mundane errands. I bought ugly things, useful things. I hate to spend my money on ugly, useful things. Razors, shampoo, tampons, condoms. I went to the self-checkout because I did not want to be seen. Please let them not think that this is what I do, what I do, in my red pencil skirt, my leather heeled brogues, my rust-coloured coat, after work, on a Friday evening. Let them not think that this city and this life has become so prosaic for me, because that would be an unfair representation, and even if I buy razors and tampons on a Friday evening while the air and the light is shimmering all around us, I also…

…have this thought: cycling to work, early morning. The sun coming down the wide, empty (unpaved) High. I had forgotten how much I love to see the city in this light. The closed, sour winter-me, so suddenly self-obsessed, so willing to be saddened or hardened, moved by the temperature, the darkened days, had forgotten this very simple thing; but all it took was a touch of light upon my skin to remember it.

(Still, strolling down Turl Street, I see a stationer is closing its doors for good, and in the Covered Market, past the fresh meat and leather and hot cookies, several shops wear signs: Sale. Last few days. Everything must go. I have thought for so long that the economy does not touch me, because I am poor anyway, I am in the throes of youth, but maybe, I think, I will miss the stationer, where I once bought a set of notecards, and the shop in the covered market where I once bought a blue satin clutch to go with my dress for a friend’s wedding.)

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This morning, after we awoke to the sounds of an electric guitar and feeling of two terriers bouncing on our bed, after we packed the kids off to school (no, not our kids and no, not our terriers), after we cleaned up the puppy poo from the floor and loaded the dishwasher (alas, also not our dishwasher–a dishwasher being in my mind the height of domestic luxury) and bought cinammon rolls from the shop next door, we indulged, whilst waiting for a taxi to take us back to our real life in Oxford, in some television.

Some people, channeling fond memories of childhood, might opt for cartoons or sitcoms, but as the Man and I were not television children, and neither are we in the least bit ordinary, our greatest TV pleasure is anything that has to do with houses. Programs about selling houses, buying them, rennovating them, decorating them, living in them: it doesn’t matter. We both seem to have this sickening need to scoff at how badly other people have designed their bathrooms, and/or drool over their opportunities for buying (and therefore fixing up) property.

This morning it was a program called “Wanted Down Under“. A family was trying to decide whether or not they wanted to stay in Britain or make the move to Australia, and we followed them on a house-hunting expedition, slightly sullen teenage son in tow. Then it was “Axe the Agent”, which, sadly, we only got middway through before our cab arrived. The family with the seven-bedroom house had just finished cleaning it up, but I still wouldn’t buy it (too reminiscant of the sprawling ultra-new California mansions I loathed as a youth).

I don’t know quite what it says about us that the sort of television we most enjoy watching is on at 10 am on a weekday morning.

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I need to start making some big decisions about the, er, book. It’s reaching a point where I can no longer afford not to know, for instance, how it ends, or how it’s structured. The problem, of course, is that in over-thinking these things, I’ve forced myself into a dark, dark corner. In this corner, nothing makes the least bit of sense, and things I thought I knew about the book (that it’s written in first person, for instance) are shadowed with extreme doubt. Basically, this means that, at a moment when writing this book has never been so important, I can’t actually write it. It may sound painfully inadequate, but…whoops.

Amidst a week of running into a brick wall, falling over, climbing up again, running back into the wall (who was it who said that stupidity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?), I also had a birthday, which has turned out to be the birthday of the plants. Three separate friends, completely independently, entrusted a living thing to me in honour of my advancing age. Apart from the fact that I quite like plants, I’m also trying to see this as a good omen, a metaphor for the creative process that I’m finding so difficult at the moment. It just needs nurturing (and, occasionally, a walk through the sunny garden, as my miniature yew tree apparently requires on a semi-regular basis).

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Things I Should Do Today:

• go for a run
• make soup
• do the laundry
• write at least something related to the book

Things I Want To Do Today:

• sit on the couch bathed in sunlight
• have a nap

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